'Who is God?'

As a general rule, I don't work with children. My calling to avoid those under the age of eleven was further confirmed a couple of years ago as I helped lead the upfront team at New Wine for 'Pebbles', the group for 3-4 year olds. I significantly lack the patience, extraordinary enthusiasm and dedication that it takes to engage a large group of small children for any prolonged period of time. I have considerable admiration for those who excel in this gifting.

For this reason, I have generally strayed away from children's work, focusing instead on attempting to keep rowdy teenagers on the straight and narrow. I enjoy the challenging interactions of hormonal individuals who frequently provide poignant responses to my questions, often controversial - if not inappropriate. I find it overwhelming when I see God transform their lives, typically restoring them from brokenness. It restores my faith in God to see those that I once witnessed at breaking point now leading churches and running missions; leading the way for their peers.

Ironically, God spoke to me the other day through a conversation I was having with a small child. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate children. There are some children that I find adorable and that I love looking after. There are some children who will remain important individuals in my life - my two year old godson for example. The other day I was looking after one of these children and found myself completely stumped theologically when she suddenly asked this question (during my incredibly dramatic rendition of Noah and the Flood before bedtime):

'Who is God?'

Having been at Bible College for a year, and studied with the great Professor that is Andy Croft for a further year; I probably should have had a better answer prepared. Instead my response went something along the lines of; 'He's a big man and He made us and loves us'. My theology lecturers would have been unhappy about the indecisiveness of this statement, and the little girl I was looking after was no different. 'Then why did he send a flood to kill everybody?'

I've recently started reading 'What's so Amazing about Grace?' by Phillip Yancey - and I can't believe I left it so long. Alternatively maybe I'm reading it at completely the right time in my life; God's sacrificial, benevolent nature is one I'm in need of remembering. It's reminded me of who god is.

'Grace means there's nothing we can do to make God love us more . . . Grace means there's nothing we can do to make God love us less . . . Grace means that God already loves us as much as an infinite God can possibly love.'

The story of Noah is one of my favourites in the Old Testament. So much so, that I am determined to call my first son 'Noah' (despite any argument to the contrary that my currently non-existent future husband may attempt!). To many, the story of Noah demonstrates God's anger as He chooses to destroy the very people that he spent so much time creating. To me, the story of Noah is the very opposite. It exemplifies God's grace. When God could have just started from scratch, he chose instead to begin again with Noah and his family . For 'Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked faithfully with God'. (Genesis 6: 9). For Jesus was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked faithfully with God.

I'm just sorry that it took the inquisition of a four year old for me to acknowledge this. Maybe there's a career for me in children's work after all...

'Jonah Moments'...

I reckon I'm pretty good at running away. As a child, I was always the fastest as I ran away from the horrible boys who thought it would be funny to play 'kiss chase'. As a teenager, those tables turned and I frequently favoured 'kiss chase' over seeing my parents. It was my teenage prerogative to try and run away from them. The NSPCC reckons that 1 in 9 children in the UK run away from home, most commonly as a result of problems in their home. Despite my occasional hormonal threats, I feel blessed to have grown up in a home full of love, where such drastic action wasn't necessary.

A couple of years ago when I was working as a youth worker; my boss and I planned a youth programme for our church weekend away based on the story of Jonah. I'd never really read this book of the bible before, or really scrutinized it. I'm ashamed to admit that my theology of this story was based entirely on my Sunday School teaching, and an episode of Vegetales that I watched in RE once. Both were riddled with inaccuracies that I had absorbed as biblical truth.

At some point in preparations, I stupidly suggested adapting 'Ultimate Frisbee'. There aren't any Frisbees in the bible, so we played the same game with a large Haddock - eyes, tail and everything. I had to have three showers to get rid of the smell; but watching a bunch of 14 year old's chuck a fish at each other was worth it. This game is also all I can honestly remember about that weekend - and at least it was tenuously thematic.

There's been a lot that's happened this year. I finally feel like I might be getting to grips with what Jonah must have been going through when he tried to run away from God. I've done some running away of my own this year. I've watched people that I love run even further away, and that's probably been one of the hardest things I've done in my life so far.

What strikes me most about God is that he continues to love us, no matter the cost. He loved Jonah so much that even when he had blatantly attempted to ignore him, he chose to keep him safe. In this day and age, we'd probably expect Mi5 level protection. Unconventionally, God chose for Jonah to be swallowed by a large fish. (Note 'large fish' NOT 'whale'.) Sometimes I guess God keeps us safe in unconventional ways too.

A while ago I moved somewhere that I fully expected to make home for the next three years. Within twenty four hours I had moved home again, an emotional exhausted and unhappy wreck. I was devastated, as unlike Jonah I was pretty sure that I was running in the same direction as God. As a result I spent a couple of months trying to run away... I rarely went to church and refused to pray to a God that I thought wasn't listening.

But God never gives up on us - his love never fails. God continues to love us, no matter the cost. Whilst I was trying to run away from God he was simply chasing after his Daughter, desperate to be back in relationship with me. The difference between us and God is that we can't keep running forever, but God can keep chasing us into eternity. Inevitably we will be the first to give up.

Jonah inevitably gave up on running - and so did I.

'When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit God's love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say 'Salvation comes from the Lord'. (Jonah 2:7-9)

Everyone has a 'Nineveh'. There will always be something that we'd rather not have to deal with. I think we are all capable of having 'Jonah Moments'. I'm starting to realise that I'd rather have a running mate, than a running competition. Life is so much better when you're not being chased.

Are you all sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin...

I may only have caught the tail end of the 'Jackanory' tradition, but I still love stories. I love trying to tell stories, and I love listening to good storytellers. Whilst I don't particularly love Rupert Murdoch, but he's onto a winner with this advert...

Last year I had the privilege of learning the art of storytelling from those who are particularly gifted at it, on a large and small scale; both funny and serious. My beautiful friend Kezzy, for example, can have party guests in stitches telling hilarious tales of her fabulous misfortunes; whilst my other equally beautiful friend Ali has the ability to hold the attention of 12,000 young people, imparting stories of grace, sincerity and faith. I'm not entirely sure that I've mastered either yet, but I certainly like the practice! (Although preferably without the audience of thousands...)

This year, I haven't had as much opportunity to be the storyteller, as I have to be the listener. I have begun to realise the nature of being an enchanted listener. Stories are only made great if they are made worthy by those who are hearing it. Captivating storytellers are always better if the audience is also actively captivated.

I'm currently in rehearsal for a play. It's called 'The Matchgirls', and it's set in 1888, at a time when many of the characters probably had a far more interesting story than any I've heard to date. Through it, I've grown to know and love the most interesting people. We're collectively trying to learn how to tell a story, and how to keep an audience captivated.

Interesting people have fascinating stories, and it has been such a pleasure to meet so many individuals whose stories are just that. Whether it be tales from travelling days (and that bungee jump they'd rather forget..), the saga of school crushes or poignant life reflections, I feel blessed to have been the hearer of every single one. They have provoked me to think, reflect for myself, and on the not so rare occasion caused me to pray.'But isn't that what a great story does? Makes you feel?'.

There is another great story that I know. It's about a guy who was also a pretty good storyteller himself. And thankfully, Dustin Hoffman, it's a story that has yet to find an ending. What better story could there be?

So, are you all sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin...

Self-less Christmas

My friend Beth told me once that getting married made her realise how selfish she was in areas of her life. Suddenly, you have to think for your respected partner and spouse - life decisions cannot be made entirely around personal desires. Yet Beth is one of the most lovely people I've ever had the opportunity to get to know, and definitely un-selfish at that!

Christmas often reminds me of greediness and hoarding. Months of desiring things we don't really need, fuelled by clever advertising and pretty packaging. Unless of course you're a student like myself; in which case Christmas becomes an opportunity to receive all the 'essentials' you ran out of in June, but haven't been able to afford to buy.

I headed to a friend's house recently to celebrate Christmas in true party style; expecting a big lavish and delicious dinner, cheesy music and ridiculous games. Instead, they treated their guests to rice, bread and water. More than half the world's only Christmas Dinner.

My friends have an amazing and inspirational heart for the poor and the lost, and their desire for the evening was that amidst the flurry of presents, food and festivity we would take time out to remember the great many others who won't get any of it. Those for whom Christmas Day is just another 'lucky' day of survival. I was struck by their boldness, but challenged.

'He was little, meek and helpless... tears and smiles like us he knew'

One of my highlights of the pre-christmas week, was watching the BBC series 'The Nativity'. It was very moving, emotional and real. And it hit home the crucial part of God's plan that I realised I so often forget: He came to save us from our own Human iniquities. Kings AND Shepherds worshipped him, bringing all that they had.

God astounds me.

The challenge as I left my friends house was to contribute the money I would have spent celebrating with them that evening to someone in need, perhaps blessing someone I didn't know. And then, like Beth, I realised how incredibly selfish I was too; trying to justify plenty of other self-centred causes that could use that money.

I still haven't decided what I'm going to do with that money. I do have it set aside. I'm praying and hoping that God might tell me soon; and trying to look at my everyday with a 'godly' perspective.

What I do know is that I ate less this Christmas. I felt 'full' quicker (which might also be because of my Cousin's incredible cooking...) and in my contentment endeavoured to remember those that weren't eating anything at all. Most of all, I bathed in the knowledge that Jesus came for me too. And you.

The first cut is the deepest.

On the 20th October 2010, George Osbourne announced over 81 billion pounds worth of cuts in our economy. I feel for the guy; someone had to make those decisions and whoever it was had a barrage of public anger coming their way. And in actual fact the decisions he has made aren't as bad as everyone had expected - dare i say some of them have been good decisions.

Making decisions is not something I am very good at. If I had the country's economy at stake, we would be in crisis (not least because i can't actually count very well... let alone work out a four year financial plan!). Making life decisions isn't like deciding which handbag i should buy - but i most definitely wish it was.

Recently I've had much reason to scrutinize my own decision making ability. I moved to a new place and found rather swiftly that it wasn't for me at all. I had made a seemingly bad decision. Perhaps my choice to move had been overshadowed by other ideas? Perhaps I had wished such an idea into reality? This remains to be seen. I had to make a good decision; and all the best decisions in my life seem to revolve around coming back home.
It got me thinking about the tough decisions that God must have to make.

Shortly after moving home, my family and I experienced the loss of an incredible, vivacious woman who was dearly loved and close to our hearts. She was an 85 year old lady with true guts, personality and sheer determination! She had a fondness for life and lived it pretty much to the full. She attended practically every birthday, baptism and other notable family occasion and was like a third grandmother to me. I will never forget her jovial demeanour; and will miss hearing her characterful east end accent ring through the house on a Sunday afternoon as she does the drying up for my mum; or sits in our living room knitting her next project for homeless children in Romania. I missed her as I celebrated my 21st birthday last weekend; and will continue to miss her at other occasions that I know she would have loved to be at. As Cat Stevens wrote in the iconic song of which this blog borrows it's title: 'When it comes to being loved she's first, that's how I know.'

But missing people only evokes memories; and allows us to engage in the beauty of remembrance. I will never forget her last conversation with me: 'I think you made the right decision, my girl... I really do think that'. I am not the only one who is home.

God makes hard decisions. He makes them for us - saving us from making the decisions ourselves. He can, because he's already made the ultimate decision - weeping as we weep, bearing our pain and mourning with us. It's not an easy decision to give up your one and only Son to die. This cut was definitely the most painful.

'No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord'. (Romans 8:37-39)

It's OK to take each day as it comes. It's OK to have things you had planned fall apart and realise that you need to trust in God again, more than ever. It's OK to feel like no-where's home, because ultimately we have a home in heaven that will be greater than this one on earth. It's OK to make decisions that will surprise and disappoint people when they are the only pragmatic solution for you. It's OK to remember.


I'm learning to trust the only authority that I know; and believe that He has it covered.

Choosing to delight

In an odd twist of fate, I received an unconditional offer to Kent University a few months ago, and finally have accepted it. Despite initial protests, I will finally be attending university. It's such a bizaare realisation to come to. After many months of convincing myself that i would either marry well or fall into christian youthwork - it dawned on me;
sometimes we don't need to try too hard to decipher God's calling on our lives. sometimes God just gives us the right to choose.

I want to study something I'm passionate about, and something that I don't know much about - that would interest me. I want to stay close to home and I want to have the ability to be as financially secure as possible. I guess that if you dig deeper into those statements, it can be discovered that deep down, I am scared of studying for no reason, scared of being too far away from my parents and scared of being broke. It's not rocket science.

But lately the bible verse from Psalm 37:4 has struck me. 'Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart'. What is it to delight in God? Do I truly know how to do this?
What I do know, is that God knows my heart's desires, and with that he also knows my fears and he holds them close to his heart. He knows my worries about moving too far away from home, studying academically again and being broke and he's got it covered.

So far I've seen God's hand move immesaruably in my life. God has kept me safe moving to Watford, living in a wonderful house with housemates that only God could have ordained for me to know. God has ended relationships in my life that were unhealthy, and distracted me from focusing on him. But God has also given me the ability to choose all these things - to want to go to Watford, to want to have relationships with boys that weren't too good for me, and to want to go to university.

Our life isn't always about being 'called' to a certain path, discerning if that is the right one to follow and acting accordingly. I worry sometimes that this christian jargon prevents us from being selfish with God, and honest about what the desires of our heart truly are. We have forgotten what it is to delight in God. To delight in who He is, what He is and how almighty He is. And delight doesn't just mean mild acknowledgement of this fact; it means truly rejoicing and magnificently reflecting on that, and on Him. To this end, God gives us the desires of our hearts; and the great part about it is that when we truly delight in God, these desires aren't clouded by worldly perspective or personal gain because in realising Jesus, we realise that these things are irrespective. It is when we place these limitations on God that these desires aren't met and we get disappointed, seeing the lack of response as worldly failure rather than kingdom gain.

There is a classic line in Little Women where Amy says: 'We're all going to grow up someday Meg. We might as well know what we want'. I am in no way fully grown in Christ and I love that I never will be, but I do agree with Amy. Someday, I will be in heaven with Jesus - and it will be rocking. Until then, it's OK to know what I want, and to desire it - as long as I am also truly delighting in the Lord.

God gives us choice; and if our creator is powerful enough to move mountains and calm storms, I happen to believe that if I ever made a wrong choice - He'd let me know pretty quickly. And that's what's so awesome about my God.

'Praise does wonders for a person's hearing'

The above slogan was recently proudly displayed on the notice boards outside the quaint little baptist church down our road. I don't normally pay attention to such notice boards, but this one definitely caught my eye - surprisingly it was catchy, thought-provoking and simple. If only it had been discovered before; it would have been marketing genius for the christian faith!

I've been thinking alot about praise.....it's a funny concept. Whilst I am familiar with it, and am aware that I have SO much to praise my God for, I am also aware that I will frequently limit my praise to specific acts of devotion, such as quiet times and church services. What is a 'heart of praise' really like in my life?

Everybody likes to be praised. I remember fondly my primary school teacher dancing for joy on my table and praising me for using the word 'presumed' at the age of eight. (Apparently such vocabulary was a rarity for someone so young. Incidentally, this teacher remained one of the biggest inspirations in my life to date). We like to know we have done something right - and more importantly, we love to get the credit for it. We even like to receive praise when it isn't us that deserves it. It's true: Praise does wonders for a person's hearing.

God's creation is blooming marvellous. Let's be honest - he did a great job. I don't know anyone on this earth that would have succeeded in creating something as complex, complete, intricate, beautiful, awesome and terrifyingly powerful as this earth. He did it right. And he SHOULD deserve the credit for it.

One of the most important things I am learning this year is to develop a heart of praise, and a heart of worship. It's one thing to know music, to read chords, to hear melodies and play them together. It's entirely another to use this as a personal language between you and God, whilst remembering all the other things in the meantime. A heart of praise comes from truly being in Jesus Christ; in knowing him and through loving him. It sound cheesy, and many great philosophers such as Matt Redman and Tim Hughes have already quoted similar things to this prior to my musings, but there is method in their madness! I would much rather praise and worship my God alone in the silence of my room, and His voice, than with a thousand people witnessing it - and that's the clincher.

The trinity is a complex doctrine. I still don't think I completely understand it. However one thing I have learnt about it recently has blown me away. We are IN God's son. It's like looking at a map in Bluewater with a big 'YOU ARE HERE' arrow pointing us straight at the Son, rather than John Lewis. The Trinity isn't a distant idea, we're a part of it. God wants us to be a part of it. It isn't just about giving our lives to Jesus and surrendering to him - it's about becoming a part of something unique, that can only have been created by the death of Jesus Christ.

That's intense, but that gives me even more reason to want to praise. I've been reading Jeremiah for the past few weeks, and have a favourite verse stuck on my bedroom wall:
'This is what the Lord says:
Let not the wise boast of their wisdom, or the strong boast of their strength, or the rich boast of their riches. But let those who boast, boast about this; that they understand and know me, that I am the Lord who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight'. (Jeremiah 9:23-24)
I want to boast in Jesus. I want to praise his name, in the silence and the noise. Funnily enough, it's doing wonders for my hearing too.